Goldman Hires Single Morally Decent Human Being To Work In Separate, Enclosed Cubicle

From the Onion: Seeking to mollify critics over its role in the global financial crisis, Goldman Sachs announced Friday the hiring of junior analyst Greg Kohler, who executives said is the investment bank's first and only employee to possess a clear set of morals or a basic understanding of right and wrong.

Officials confirmed the upstanding Kohler, 24, will be based out of the company's Lower Manhattan headquarters, working from within a small cubicle strategically located in a remote corner of the building where he is unlikely to have contact with his morally bankrupt coworkers.

"We are very pleased to welcome Mr. Kohler, who will be adhering to the letter of the law in a workspace physically detached from the rest of our firm's operations," public relations chief Richard Siewert said during a press conference. "He'll be joining a select group of 33,000 talented individuals at Goldman Sachs as our sole employee not motivated purely by the pursuit of obscene wealth at the expense of society."

"While Mr. Kohler won't be attending a single meeting or influencing any of our business decisions, we're confident his acute sense of professional integrity will prove a valuable asset," Siewert continued. "He will technically be on our staff, collecting a paycheck, and that's really all that counts."  According to Siewert, Kohler's unique values of fairness, honesty, and social responsibility will be put to the test immediately,…

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